Abusers and Sexually Predatory Behavior in Relationships

When it comes to relationships and sex the dynamics can get incredibly complicated. Perhaps it is because we are prone to more rapid attachment when intimacy is introduced. Partners with predatory intentions recognize this and wield their power with calculating expertise.

In women, oxytocin, a feel-good bonding hormone, is released during physical contact. Their body encourages the mind to increase the secretion of oxytocin, especially during ovulation. It seems women are wired for bonding. Unfortunately, that includes trauma bonding as well.

My focus is never to marginalize a gender, understanding that both men and women experience abuse. Even sexual. I may refer to women more often in this article because, statistically, there are a great deal more examples of women being the victims. In the legal sense, this is still a fairly new issue. Some states within the US have only just taken action against marital rape. As recent as 2019, in Minnesota, there was an exemption that gave immunity from rape charges if the victim was their spouse.

The following is a peek into the mind of the abuser and how they process sex.

1. Power and dominance are established through sex The abusive attitude is that sex is a power play. "We have sex because I have power over you." and "I have power over you because we have sex." Essentially this is like marking territory. Once he has had sex with a woman he feels that he owns her. This is expressed in both kind and cruel ways, insidiously confusing the victim. The rate of infidelity among abusers is also high, often seen as conquests that are heavily focused on the image of themselves being stupendously dominant over multiple women.

2. The victim is an object To prevent feeling bad about abusing and hurting their partner sexually, an abuser needs to put their thoughts and feelings aside. They achieve this, among other things, by regarding their partner as a sexual object rather than a human being, with no feelings or goals and no need for safety or integrity. They often refuse to follow safe sex practices or use contraception, which is concerning when you factor in that a high rate of these individuals also cheat on their partners. Additionally, the feeling of dehumanization can be a horrible and nauseating experience for the victim.
   

3. It is for THEM Sexual abusers are likely self-involved in their orientation toward sex. In simple terms, it's about taking care of their needs. Even while they could work hard to make their partner happy, it's not because they want a mutually fulfilling experience, but rather because they value their reputation as excellent lovers. They feel in control because of their sexual skills. For them, it is the only reason their partner's satisfaction matters. Everything comes back to them. They elevate sex to an extreme level to make up for the absence of a true connection.
   

4. Their partner owes them They believe that their partner gives up the right to decline sex once they are seriously involved. To satisfy their sexual demands, to feel loved, or just because they think it's their partner's job, they feel that their partners should have sex with them whenever they request it. How often that is depends on the abuser. They may also resort to circumventing consent by initiating sex while their partner is asleep if they think they can get away with it.
   

An abuser can create a vibrantly sensual lovemaking experience if they want to be seen as awe-inspiring or they can have a complete drop in sexual energy once the partner is committed. This is because some abusers are only interested in women they have not had sex with, may withhold sex as a punishment for something, have a drug or alcohol addiction that decreases sex drive, or have a particular fetish they do not associate with their partner.

Abusers can use sex as a cure-all, initiating sex after acting cruelly. They seek a quick fix for their behavior and know that they can blur the lines of how the situation feels to their partner they "smooth it over" quickly. The abuser is incapable of understanding that her suffering is much deeper than that. It is also another expression of entitlement, believing that no matter what they've done to their partner they can still have sexual access.

An abuser will also use sex to keep their partner divided from others. This is sexual triangulation. The abuser places themselves in fierce conflicts amongst passionately jealous females. By being sexually unfaithful, promising different women that he will pursue a relationship with them all, disparaging women to one another, getting women pregnant, and having them feel sorry for him, he starts and maintains these wars. He avoids taking responsibility for his acts AND persuades women to concentrate on providing for his wants and happiness by directing their energies toward battling with one another.

Pornography is another tool abusers use to affirm their view of sex. Pornographic pictures of women show them as simple, obedient, and readily available—everything that the abusive mentality believes. Since he has unlimited access to the video or image, she is depersonalized and he truly owns her. The ladies are portrayed as being aroused sexually by physical treatment, violence, verbal abuse, or even torture. Pornographic humor frequently denigrates women and their bodies, makes rape seem amusing, or makes fun of women, which feeds into negative stereotypes about women.

Stop the Cycle

1. Don't take the abuser's word for anything they tell you about what is happening in their relationships with others.

2. As hard as it can be, communicate directly with others they have been in a relationship with to compare stories about what the abuser is saying, and doing so you cannot be played against one another. In a co-parenting situation, this is essential to keep the peace.

3. Place the blame for cheating squarely on the abuser. Although the abusers are solely to blame for cheating, they will attempt to direct your resentment toward the other party. Abusers take pleasure in seeming to be unable to restrain their desires when they are tempted, which is absurd.

4. Don't give them a third chance. If an abuser cheats for a second time it will never stop. They will try to convince their partner that their relationship is important to them but their actions are a clear sign that is not the case.

I stayed with my abuser for nearly nine years enduring constant cheating and lying, throughout. I wish I'd had this knowledge before to have foreseen that my staying was never going to make the situation better. I believed a narrative that was neither true nor realistic about our bond which was based on trauma rather than intimacy. No one deserves to be in a relationship that treats sex this way. True sexual intimacy is respectful, reciprocal, and has reasonable expectations. With the knowledge of what healthy relationships should look like by understanding what we do not want in our lives, we can seek out relationships that will be devoid of these things.