The Art of Being Miserable

Most of us claim a desire to be happy—to live meaningful lives, enjoy ourselves, find fulfillment, and share love and friendship with other people and possibly other living things such as dogs, cats, birds, and so on. Strangely, some people act as if they only want to be unhappy, and they succeed admirably in bringing misery into their lives, despite the fact that being unhappy does not help them find lovers and friends, get better jobs, make more money, or go on more interesting vacations. Why are they doing this?

I've concluded that suffering is an art form, and the satisfaction people appear to derive from it reflects the creative effort required to nurture it. In other words, when your living situations are stable, peaceful, and prosperous—no civil conflicts raging in your streets, no mass starvation, no epidemic disease, no vexation from poverty—making yourself unhappy is an art unto itself, requiring imagination, vision, and ingenuity. It can even give life a certain significance.

So, if you want to make yourself miserable, what are the most effective and tried-and-true methods? Let's rule out some apparent options, such as doing drugs, committing crimes, gambling, and abusing your spouse or roommate. Subtle methods, those that do not give the impression that you are acting on purpose, can be compelling. However, unless you pretend to want to be happy like everyone else, others will not take your sadness seriously. True art is acting in ways that cause agony while allowing you to claim that you are an innocent victim, ideally of the people from whom you are pulling compassion and sorrow.

Here, I discuss most aspects of life, including family, job, friends, and love partners. These areas will naturally overlap because you cannot damage your life without destroying your marriage and possibly your connections with your children and friends. It's unavoidable that as you make yourself unhappy, you'll make people around you unhappy as well, at least until they leave—giving you yet more cause to be unhappy. So it's crucial to remember the benefits of your sorrow.

-When you are unhappy, people feel sorry for you. Not only that, but they frequently feel a vague sense of shame, as if your sorrow is their responsibility. This is useful! There is power in making others feel guilty. People that care about you and rely on you will go out of their way to avoid saying or doing anything that could worsen your situation.

-When you are unhappy, you cannot feel disappointed or disillusioned since you have no hopes and expect nothing positive to happen.

-Being unhappy might create the idea that you are a wise and worldly person, especially if you are unhappy not only with your life but also with society as a whole. You can convey the image of someone burdened with profound, sad, existential knowledge that cheerful, shallow people cannot comprehend.

Let's get right to it and examine some practical ways to be miserable. Though this list is by no means complete, practicing four or five of these will help you hone your skills.

1. Be Very Afraid of Economic Loss

Poor economic conditions cause people to fear losing their employment or savings. Indulging these concerns, even when you're unlikely to lose, is the art of ruining your life. Make this fear your focus, moan that you could go broke any day, and gripe about how much everything costs, especially if someone else is buying. Start arguments about others' feckless, spendthrift ways and claim that their fiscal irresponsibility caused the recession. Economic loss phobia offers benefits. First, it will keep you in a job you loathe forever. Second, it complements greed, money fixation, and selfishness even Ebenezer Scrooge would envy. Third, you'll alienate friends and family and likely get more stressed, depressed, and sick from money problems. Good job! Sit in a comfy chair, close your eyes, and think about everything you could lose for 15 minutes: your job, your house, your funds, etc. Then consider homeless shelter life.

2. Practice Perpetual Boredom

Promote the idea that everything is predictable, life is boring and worthless, and that a naturally intriguing person like you was forced into a dull and worthless life. Complain about boredom often. Chat about it with everyone you know and they'll think you think they're boring. Create a crisis to avoid boredom. Start pointless fights with your spouse, boss, children, friends, and neighbors; quit your job, empty your savings account, and move to a state you don't know. Go on frequent shopping sprees for clothes, cars, fancy appliances, and sports equipment (take multiple credit cards in case one maxes. And as a coup de gras, have an affair (better if you're married and with another married person).

Being bored has the added virtue of making you boring. Friends and relatives will shun you. You will not be invited anyplace; no one will want to call, let alone see you. As a result, you will feel lonely, bored, and unhappy. Force yourself to watch hours of boring reality TV shows every day and read only uninspiring tabloids that leave you feeling soulless. Avoid reading, art, and keeping up with current events.

3. Assume a negative identity

Cultivate an emotional issue to consume your identity. Consider being a depressed person while feeling sad, or a person with phobias or anxiety disorders if you're anxious about public speaking. Give your health your full attention. Discuss it with everyone you encounter and learn the symptoms so you can speak authoritatively and enthusiastically. Practice the behaviors of this state, especially when it will disturb routines and relationships. Make yourself cry if sadness is your identity. Avoid nervous situations like new places and activities. Cause a panic attack where it will be seen. Make it obvious that you hate these emotions or acts but can't stop them.

Take on your negative identity by mimicking its bodily state. Hunch over, stare at the floor, and take short breaths if "Depressed Person" is your negative persona. Train your body to reach your negative peak faster.

4. Pick Unnecessary Fights

This is a great way to ruin a romantic relationship. Once in a while, pick a fight or have a crying spell over something illogical and make baseless accusations. The conversation should last at least 15 minutes and should take place in public. During the tantrum, anticipate your partner's reaction to be polite and empathetic, but if he or she brings it up later, claim that you never did such a thing and that he or she misinterpreted what you were saying. Act offended and hurt since your partner suggested you weren't behaving well.

Another tactic is to remark, "We need to talk," and then bombard your partner with words about how frustrated you are in the relationship. Make sure you start this onslaught just as your partner is about to leave for a meeting or function and refuse to stop for at least an hour. You can also text or call your partner to share your concerns and disappointments while they're at work. Do the same if your partner is out with friends. Keep a list of grudges you have toward your partner and update it regularly.

5. Accuse Everyone of Having Bad Intentions

When feasible, attribute the worst intentions to your partner, friends, and coworkers. Convert any harmless comment into an insult or an attempt to humiliate you. For example, if someone says, "How did you like such and such movie?" you should immediately think, "He's trying to humiliate me by proving that I didn't understand the movie," or "He's about to tell me that I have bad taste in movies."

The objective is to always anticipate the worst from others. If someone is late to meet you for dinner, while you wait, remind yourself of all the other times the person has been late, and tell yourself that he or she is doing so on purpose to insult you. Make sure that by the time the person arrives, you are either enraged or so depressed that the evening is wrecked. If the person asks what's wrong, don't answer anything; let him or her suffer.

Any action you take should be solely for personal gain. You may be tempted to help someone, donate to a charity, or engage in a community activity. Don't do it unless there's something in it for you, such as the chance to appear like a good person or to meet someone from whom you can borrow money someday. Never do something just because you wish to help others. Even if you despise yourself, keep in mind that your primary purpose is to take care of Number One. Consider all the things you've done for others in the past that have not been reciprocated. Consider how everyone around you is attempting to take from you.

6. Never Practice Gratitude

According to research, those who express thankfulness are happier than those who do not; thus, never express gratitude. Counting your blessings is for the foolish. What blessings? Life is about suffering, and then you die. What is there to be thankful for?

Well-meaning friends and relatives will attempt to undermine your efforts to be ungrateful. For example, while you're moaning to your partner about the project you procrastinated on at work over an unhealthy supper, he or she may try to remind you of how fortunate you are to have a job or food at all. Such attempts to instill thankfulness and cheerfulness are common and easily avoided. Simply point out that the things for which you should be grateful are imperfect, allowing you to look for as many flaws as you want.

7. Assume the worst

Consider the worst-case scenario whenever you ponder the future. If you want to be ready for anything, you should be miserable about it beforehand. Enormous crop failures, terrorist attacks, devastating natural disasters, deadly diseases, terrible accidents, and your child's rejection from the varsity softball team are all possibilities.

8. Exist in a Constant State of Anxiety

Optimism about the future leads to disappointment. As a result, you must convince yourself that your marriage will fall apart, your children will reject you, your business will fail, and nothing positive will ever happen to you. Study potential natural or man-made calamities in your area, such as earthquakes, floods, nuclear plant leaks, and rabies epidemics. Concentrate on these tasks for at least an hour each day.

9. Blame the People Who Raised You

One of the most important things you can do is blame your parents for your flaws, faults, and failures. After all, your parents shaped who you are now; you had nothing to do with it. If you have any positive qualities or accomplishments, don't credit your parents. Those are isolated incidents.

Extend the blame to other people in your life: the second-grade teacher who yelled at you in the cafeteria, the boy who tormented you when you were nine, the college professor who gave you a D on your paper, your first romance, even the small town where you grew up—the options are endless. Blame is a crucial component in the art of being miserable.

Call one of your parents and tell her or him that you just remembered something dreadful they did to you as a child, and make sure he or she understands how bad it made you feel and that you are still suffering as a result.

10. Do Not Savor the Joys of Life

Enjoying food, drink, music, and beauty is for flighty, superficial individuals. Tell yourself that. If you find yourself unwittingly enjoying a flavor, music, or work of art, remember that these are fleeting joys that cannot make up for the world's misery. The same goes for nature. Stop if you happen to be enjoying a magnificent view, a walk on the beach, or a stroll through a forest by mistake! Remind yourself that the world is riddled with poverty, disease, and destruction. The beauty of nature is deceptive.

11. Ruminate

Spend a significant amount of time focused on yourself. Worry continually about the root cause of your behavior, examine your flaws, and feed on your struggles. This will help you develop a negative outlook on your life. Do not allow yourself to be distracted by a positive event or influence. The goal is to make even modest disruptions and issues feel large and ominous.

You can meditate on the issues of others or the world, but make them your own. Is your youngster sick? Consider how difficult it is for you to take time away from work to care for her. Is your behavior causing your partner pain? When he mentions how you make him feel, focus on how bad you feel. You'll come across as a profound, sympathetic thinker who carries the world's weight on your shoulders if you focus not only on your own difficulties but also those of others.

12. See the Past Through A Lens

To dwell on the past is to tell oneself how wonderful, lucky, and fulfilling life was when one was a kid, a young adult, or a newlywed—and to lament the fact that things have gone sour since then. Take your current marital status in Topeka, Kansas, for instance. Back when you were younger, you were stunning and enjoyed dancing the samba on the beach at sunset with dashing men. If you had married Antonio, who was tall and tan, you would have been happier. Microsoft was an opportunity you missed. You should have invested then. To sum up, rather than dwelling on your actions, consider what you might have done differently. This is going to ruin your life.

The past can also be easily vilified. You never went to summer camp, you felt discriminated against, you were born into an unfortunate era, and you never received the necessities of life. Given your unfortunate upbringing, how is it that you managed to find happiness? You must remember that negative experiences, such as blunders and trauma, had a far greater impact on shaping your identity and the path you will take in life than positive ones, such as triumphs and joyous occasions. Dwell on the difficult moments. Fixate on them. Hold them in high regard. Because of this, you may rest assured that you will be unhappy right now regardless of what happens.

13. Only Date People Who Need to Be Rehabilitated

Make it a point to fall head over heels for someone who has serious issues (a narcissist, alcoholic, gambler, womanizer, or cat hoarder, for example) and then work to change them, even if they don't want to change. Ignore any and every information that begs the question; you must be certain that this individual can be changed.

See how many poor options you may uncover in a single afternoon by perusing internet dating sites. Strive to meet these individuals. You should be happy if the dating service is expensive since it indicates that you will be emotionally and financially deprived.

14. Criticize Everything

Keep a never-ending supply of things you don't like and say them frequently, regardless of whether someone asks for your opinion or not. Say things like, "That's what you wore this morning?" or ask someone directly, "Why is your voice so shrill?" Express your dislike for eggs if you see someone eating them. Your pessimism is applicable to nearly every situation.

If the things you're criticizing are generally well-received, your disapproval will stand out more. Saying you hate traffic or mosquitoes isn't original enough because everyone knows how bothersome those things are and nobody will care if you feel the same way. Having a negative impression of the latest film despite everyone's praise? You'll have lots of chances to offer a contrasting viewpoint to your friends' favorable remarks.

You've got some great direction now on your path to misery. You don't need to do every single one of them right, but if you manage to pull off four or five, be sure to constantly scold yourself for not fulfilling the complete list.

*This is an adaptation of an article written by Chloe Madanes, one of the mothers of modern family therapy and a great inspiration to me