Chronic Stress and Anxiety? You may be struggling with your differentiation of self

In this age of self-discovery, we are just starting to understand how social skills and ways of adjusting are passed down from one generation to the next and the way parents connect with each other affects a child's social, emotional, and mental growth. This helps people get to the right level of independence and self-identity for their age and build good ties with other people. That didn’t go so well for some of us and, as a result, many people have a poor differentiation of self.

Differentiation of self means being able to keep your own identity while forming close relationships with other people without projecting your feelings and ideas onto them. Someone with a well-developed differentiation can stay calm in relationships that aren't going well, solve problems in relationships in an appropriate way, and find middle ground.

People who are not differentiated often respond to relational stress by fusing with others, emotionally cutting off, or reacting emotionally instead. The less developed someone's "self," the more others affect how he functions and the more he tries to control, either directly or indirectly, how others function. People are born with the basic parts of a "self," but their family relationships during childhood and adolescence have a big impact on how much of a "self" they grow. Levels of "self" don't change unless a person makes a structured, long-term attempt to do so.

Dr. Murray Bowen, among the pioneers of family therapy and a noted founder of systemic therapy, believed differentiation is crucial to family functioning. Problems can happen at work and in personal life for everyone, but families and people who are less differentiated are more likely to experience times of high chronic anxiety. As a result, they are more likely to have a large share of the society's worst problems.

The problems:

Physical reactions to chronic anxiety and stress: Digestive problems, headaches, muscle tension and pain, heart disease, heart attack, high blood pressure, and stroke.

Relational problems: Research has shown a correlation between chronic anxiety and marital strife, with participants (both sexes) attributing their stress to their partners in varying degrees.

Prescriptions for anti-anxiety medications, such as Klonopin and Ativan, rose 10.2% in the U.S. to 9.7 million in March 2020 from 8.8 million in March 2019, according to the latest data from health research firm IQVIA. “Many physicians have a low threshold for prescribing them. It’s very problematic,” says Bruce J. Schwartz, deputy chair and professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. “Many people do develop a dependency on these medications.”

I’m not advocating for the abandonment of medications that are bringing people relief but I do believe they should be a later consideration rather than the first solution we run to.

For couples, therapy geared toward differentiation as a family and ASIM (Actor-partner interdependence model) can help them move toward healthy dependence on one another.

Authenticity comes at the price of approval, so if you want to progress toward differentiation, concentrate on remaining connected to others even when you disagree with them. It might be simpler said than done. When you break from previous patterns, you might frequently feel guilty and anxious. This is why working with a skilled therapist can help you become a better self-differentiator. Here are a few useful resources you can utilize right away:

1. Keep a journal: Write about your thoughts to discover more about yourself. It also allows you to track your growth over time.

2. Take a break: To obtain perspective and space, take a minute to check in with yourself. Observe how doing this before responding to a stressful moment changes the response.

3. Emotions: Give your feelings some thought and take note of what you are feeling. Is there rationality in it? Why or why not? Where is it coming from?

4. Self-Care: Most importantly, self-awareness of your needs and how they should to be met before focusing on anyone else.

5. Mindfulness: Observe your inner experience for a moment. See if you can make it a daily practice.

6. Speak with someone: Seek assistance in adopting a desired perspective, preferably from a therapist, though a trusted friend is a great start.

References

The Bowen Center for the Study of the Family: TheBowenCenter.org