Open Letter to the Old Crazy Ex from the New Crazy Ex

The first time I met you I already despised you. Why? You hadn't done anything to me. This was because I was coerced into believing before we ever saw one another's face, that you were a lying, cheating, money-grubbing, sad, and lonely mother of my new stepchild. Because all of my then-husband's claims were half-truths, he was able to make his narrative fit into the story and appear convincing enough that I never doubted what I was told and believed for years.

I should have questioned the validity of his claims when it appeared that not only were you crazy, but so were ALL of his exes. What I now realize is that this was also a half-truth but mostly a manipulation. Each of us fell into life with him when we were not at our best. We were young, naive, and still needed a ton of work on our self-esteem. The one thing I think we all have in common is that we have a high amount of empathy, especially when it comes to our family. We gladly welcomed him in and he got busy convincing everyone around us that he was just the nicest guy! Even when the mask began to slip, we were already invested because of the impression he had made on those around us. And so, we thought to ourselves:

He must not be that bad if I'm the only one with the problem here. Maybe there's something wrong with me.

He accepted no responsibility for how any of his past relationships ended, except for claiming that he should have left them sooner. What I didn't realize was this was also a way of not having to take responsibility for how he was treating me. The most insidiously intelligent move that he made with me was to insist that I was better than them. That he was so glad that I was not like you and therefore better suited for him. I was special and I was his soul mate. When we are little girls we dream about someone telling us this and that's why it works so well. The dopamine that those words generated in my brain transformed me into an addict. Addicts will do all sorts of foolish things to maintain their habit. I carried so much shame and regret over the things that I was willing to do to you to keep from losing that. I thought I was protecting my family. And worse than that, I thought I was a Christian.

He seeks out people who romanticize their lives and are very artistic. He used our love of music to create memories with us that we would never be able to get out of our minds. The trauma bond is so much stronger when it has a soundtrack, isn't it? I am no longer interested in entire genres of music which explains how much healing I still need to do. Shakespearian relationships like this are usually short-lived but these covert types play the long game. Why leave when you aren't truly being held accountable for your actions? The strategy remains the same. When she becomes so fed up with the manipulation, lying, and cheating that she leaves you can say she left you for someone else. Oh, and she is crazy.

Most importantly, I want you to understand that this should never have happened to you, and it was not your fault. We should all be with someone who wants to care for us in a reciprocally loving home. As we heal, we learn that we can recognize what healthy looks like and choose genuine people to surround ourselves with. After what we've been through, that might appear a little mundane at first, but we're sick of the drama. This is not a club we ever signed up for but here we are.

With sincere love,

Me