Soulmate or Nightmare: How toxic people use the soulmate concept

This post cites Christian principles…but it can apply to anyone who sees the wisdom in its lesson.

The idea of the “soulmate” is that you are suddenly complete once you find that person. That you have found that one perfect person created just for you.

This flies in the face of Col 2:10 which says you are complete in Christ.

The ones who fight so hard to predicate the soulmate concept are the people who need to use it to romanticize others into being with them.

These people need a lasting admiration that the soulmate concept can secure for them. And since you are soulmates, they don’t need to take any personal accountability. You need to understand them better because, after all, they are your soulmate. These are just obstacles that need to be overcome by true love! I can’t think of anything more manipulative in a relationship.

The soulmate concept can also give them the perfect exit strategy. If they decide that a better option has come along then maybe you just weren’t their soulmate after all.

As long as it suits them they may even cite “God’s will” as the reason. This is why being in the right church is so important to keep each other accountable.

Here are five solutions to replacing the soulmate mindset with one of choice and growth. If you are looking for love or want to strengthen the love you already have these will be guiding principles.

1. Steer clear of a consumer mindset

When you enter the realm of relationships, be mindful of the consumer approach, which is subject to rapid change in response to how the relationship is 'trending'. Because of this way of thinking, we are led to believe that "the new is always better than the old — unless something old becomes trendy again." To build a relationship that will last, it's more important to emphasize the importance of duty and dedication.

2. Foster realistic expectations in relationships

One of the greatest risks of soulmate thinking is the way that it shapes young adults toward unrealistic expectations about how healthy relationships come together and what makes them succeed.

The problem of thinking a relationship is destined to work out or fail is that it causes people to constantly evaluate their partner and if they are the best one for them. This can lead to disengaging or distancing themselves when conflict arises in a relationship.

Instead, work together to improve the relationship and evaluate yourself as to how you can improve as a partner.

3. Develop a mature understanding of love

Developing a mature understanding of love expands past the emotional feelings usually tied to “falling in love". This means in addition to having an emotional connection, you also choose the love and work for the love as well. Understanding that attitude and actions matter as well as feelings is crucial since the “emotional aspect of love is the most unstable.”

4. Focus on healthy dating practices

The study says looking for “the one” can sometimes lead to dating paralysis and fear-based decision-making when pursuing a potential relationship. It can also cause rushed dating where people jump into a relationship convinced they are with their soulmate.

Engaging in non-exclusive dating and social interactions to gain dating experience yields better results. Focus on hitting important milestones in dating and gauge if you’re ready to move forward, rather than fixating on how long you have been together.

5. Keep a positive outlook while working through breakups

One of the most dangerous aspects of "soulmate love" is the sadness that comes from associating a breakup with losing your soulmate or your one chance at love. Reject the concept of the "one-and-only" and recognize that there are several possibilities and opportunities that can lead to a lasting and fulfilling relationship.

Rather than worrying about finding the right person, we should perhaps focus on being the right person and having the right expectations for one another.

The transition to adopting the above principles into your life, can be difficult. I found that emphasizing communication over physical contact made a significant difference in the quality of partners I was choosing to date, especially since the ones only interested in the physical got upset and took themselves out of the equation early. Win for me. When dating used to be actual “dating” there was no exclusivity. It wasn’t necessary because the talking stages weren’t supposed to include casual sex. Gen Z is trying to navigate how to find quality men and women and millennials are reimagining the dating concept that got so messed up when it was passed down to us. Thanks hippy boomers 😂