Being a Victim is not an insult

There are countless articles on the internet talking about the "victim mentality" and touting "Survivor not Victim", and while I get that this is all very well-intentioned, an important part of the healing process might get left out.

After my full-time military service ended, I had the privilege of working with young men and women at a youth detention center. Many of them were coming to terms with the realization that they came from very unhealthy environments. The tendency, for the young men especially, was to refuse to be concerned with those dynamics and harden their tough exteriors; protecting their vulnerabilities.

Some youth realized that they weren't responsible for their past. They were wronged. They were child victims, blameless for what had shaped their then situations. This is a necessary first step for victims; knowing what they're healing from and that it is not their fault. Except some stayed there, in victimhood, perhaps indefinitely. Others took the next steps in healing.

A caterpillar knows it is time to cocoon when ready. Someday it will break out and fly. I'll be honest with you. My cocoon isn't far behind me. I get my passion from it, my empathy for those like me, and my desire to meet them where they are in their journey. It is my hope that we can see how the process of healing can be a renewing experience we can grow through, coming out the other side, and holding a lifeline for others to grab onto so they can also find their way.

I've observed, over the five years that I've been deep diving into human behavior during recovery, some recurring truths have highlighted themselves. And so, became a three-part theory that summarizes stages of recovery. There are many sub-stages within each one, especially the second. Much of the recent entries on this site describe that period. One theme became clear. There was a Victim before there was a Survivor.

Because there's so many that are adamant about staying away from the V word, I'll pose this question:

When someone is in the middle of the receiving end of an abusive relationship are they a victim? Of course they are. Once that person has found the strength to get some distance from that environment, are they still a victim? Some would say no, they are a survivor. I remember feeling like I was shifting roles from victim to survivor and back depending on how I was feeling during the recovery process. I needed validation that the things that were done to me were horrible and malicious. I needed to be able to be that broken person with safe people. To mourn the innocence that was taken from me and point the finger of blame away from myself. I felt justified in doing that. I also couldn't stay in that place.

For me, the emotions related to the a-ha moments of recognizing:

I was manipulated

lied to

cheated on

verbally abused

physically abused

intimidated

controlled

and blamed for everything

Those needed to be explored. Not repressed. They needed to be FELT.

I believe that I didn't become a survivor until I dealt with them. The residual damage can last for years. The survivor in me lives with the long term effects. The raw emotions are behind me now. I'm able to see the past much more clearly because of therapy. I think that survivors have arrived before they've even realized it. One day we just wake up and pity has replaced hate and gratefulness has replaced resentment.