Control in Abusive Relationships

People’s ability to exercise control over themselves and others to produce desired results is essential for an individual’s well-being. It has been argued that the perception of control is not only desirable, but it is likely a psychological and biological necessity. An abusive person also has these needs, just like everyone else, with one sizable difference. They believe that others do not have the right to set boundaries on their points of control.

Control takes many forms. It can be direct and obvious, appearing like an authoritative figure. However, it is more often subversive and subtle. An abuser has certain aspects of their relationship that they care about more than others. These relate closely to their values about what they believe they should ultimately have a say over. These values stem all the way back from childhood and are firmly held, fueling their entitlement.

Because of the strength of their conviction, the abusive person's stance can be very convincing. They may use various tactics to convince you to relinquish your control. It's vital for them to isolate you from outside influences. Your dependency on them is paramount to them. Here are some examples of tactics that manipulators use to gain and maintain control:

Using Your Words Out Of Context: You always say people need to take responsibility for their actions. Why don't you own up to your side of the problems?

Doubt: No one would treat you better than I do. You're dreaming if you think otherwise.

Guilt: Why are you treating me this way after all I've done for you? You have to learn to forgive. You're not perfect!

Bandwagon: Everyone knows this is how it is. Get with the program.

Judgment: Why would you think that? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Future-Faking: I'm going to get counseling as soon as I find the right therapist.

Denying privacy: If I can't look at everything in your phone, then you're hiding something from me.

Comparing to past relationships: I'm so glad you're not like my ex. She was such a nag.

Invalidation: You've got to work on your attitude. You're way too sensitive all the time.

My abuser used my fear and anxiety as a weapon against me, keeping me in line. If anything went wrong, it was always somehow my fault. I was "stupid", "nagging", and I was made to feel guilty for wanting to work rather than be a full-time parent. If I wasn't waiting on my family hand and foot constantly, then I was being lazy. Sometimes I would get the silent treatment for days, and I didn't have a clue as to why. I could only conclude that I had done something wrong. It worked so well because it intermittently showed up alongside days of seemingly loving and reasonable behavior. Those were also the days when he got everything he wanted, especially attention.

The abuser never sees the double standards that rule the day. They don't consider their actions to constitute a failure to love their partner, but to them, their partner putting up safe boundaries does. They believe their partner is responsible for their feelings and well-being. That their partner belongs to them.

This kind of possessive behavior has no place in a loving relationship. And let me be frank, YOU DESERVE A LOVING RELATIONSHIP. You deserve it regardless of whether you believe it or not. It took me some time to come to that realization because of the abuse I endured and my struggles with self-esteem. I used to believe the old cigarette grandmas who said that all men were pigs until I woke up one day and realized that I just had a thing for pork. Pork that knew just how it liked me.