"I want to remember, but I can't"

When in trauma recovery interesting phenomena can take place. People can stay hypervigilant for years after the events. They wonder why they cannot recall the specifics of a conversation, especially one with the abuser—or struggled to remember what they did yesterday and get frustrated because it takes an unusually long amount of time to pull it up in their mind's eye. It's confused with middle age but something else is going on in trauma survivors.

Often people who suffer from CPTSD (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) experience some kind of memory loss. Studies have shown that all forms of PTSD can cause changes in declarative memory functioning. Memory loss of certain kinds is consistent with the diagnostic criteria for these disorders. The psychological community refers to this as a localized version of dissociative amnesia.

Unfortunately, for those of us trying to navigate the fun of memory loss, we are also finding out that it is a comorbid phenomenon as well; meaning other issues such as ADHD or Autism may be contributing. With that in mind, looking to solutions for memory retention/recall would prove more fruitful than trying to root out the cause.

At first, I saw it as a gift, unaware of what it was or why it would happen. Forgetting was part of my routine of self-care. I needed to cherry-pick what I remembered and not make too many waves about the past. How convenient for me that my mind was protecting itself from the things I didn't want to remember anyway. At the time. After I got some distance from my abuser and began to try to recall my experiences so that I could heal from them it became clear to me that would be a burdensome undertaking. Luckily I kept a semi-frequent journal for almost the entirety of that relationship. I only wish I would have done that with my previous ones.

I highly recommend recording and journaling as much as possible. Not only did they assist with the establishment of my divorce case but I referred to them almost daily during subsequent therapies. I continued to journal throughout the process and was able to see my progress tangibly as I looked back on my thinking process during different periods.

No one keeps a diary at 6, though. I have a clear comprehension of my first significant trauma. I used visualization to put myself back in the scene and played it out. I knew I’d hit an accurate recall when I felt the same sick feeling and emotion that was experienced when it occurred. Much like how a smell can have that effect. The recalled memory explained a great deal about my decisions made later in life, especially early adulthood.

Though every case is different, therapy helps to sort out these problems regardless of the level of severity. Psychotherapy, or “Talk Therapy”, is a good start to begin to diagnose what the next steps should be. I found that researching human behavior was very therapeutic and gave me affirming feelings as I discovered that I wasn’t alone in my experiences. Regardless, make these considerations:

• Painful events must be managed carefully. They should be dealt with in safe ways.

• Seek to develop good coping and life skills. (I found that I had many unhealthy coping skills I needed to replace)

• Focus on functioning at your best capacity and reject what stands in the way of that, if possible which leads to the next point.

• Improve relationships. Find better ways to communicate that are tailored to each one. Understand where the boundaries should be within them.

Books about improving memory are also helpful. Remember by Lisa Genova, The Science of Memory and The Art of Forgetting, is an excellent resource.