Intimacy Is Not What Society Thinks It Is

Human beings crave intimacy innately. It is one of the greatest ways people can express love. It’s what we want most in our romantic relationships. But few people will ever get to see what that looks like. From the time we’re old enough to want a relationship with someone besides our family, it starts well-meaning. The desire to be safe with someone, to tell them our secrets, desires, fears, and ideas is in us. But the culture tells us that physical love is the beginning. And right there, the water starts to get muddy.

Modern Western society tries to tell us that sex makes way for the rest when, in reality, it’s the other way around. Sex by itself is not fulfilling no matter how much a person engages in it because it lacks true intimacy; emotional and intellectual. Sex without emotional and intellectual intimacy is a drug. We’ve put so little value on the currency used to purchase, we think we’ve sacrificed nothing. The price is actually quite high. We pay it with self-worth.

Don’t believe me? As the rate of promiscuity has climbed so has the rates of depression, anxiety, alcohol/drug abuse, and suicide. The numbers are unprecedented, especially among women. The same women who have more opportunities than ever to live independently and equally. Myself included.

This leads us to the reason why I’m writing this on a trauma recovery blog. Early in recovery, the feelings of inadequacy can be overwhelming. For me, I was addicted to the mean and sweet cycle of abuse. I have a history of childhood sexual trauma as well. It didn’t help that I was terrified to end up in another toxic long-term relationship. As a result, I would seek out casual sex. Mind you, this was against my moral compass. It was a dark place for me. I’m still dealing with the shame of that experience (and that's ok! It's a process).

What happened to me is rather common with trauma victims, especially childhood trauma. Hypersexualization is the term for it and it causes the individual to engage in compulsive sexual behavior, reoccurring sexual fantasies, and the inability to see a relationship as anything other than sexual.

Hypersexualization is a valid response. I just didn't realize that until after being called a slut for years. - Anonymous

Through therapy, I was able to see what had contributed to my behavior and how it was harming my healing process. I learned how to find healthier coping skills and set boundaries with people to keep it that way. I wrote, read, painted, and played my instruments. I met my husband when I was well-established in the process. It's a good thing too because I never would have recognized the potential we had if I hadn't been in a good place.

If you have experienced this or have lost all interest in sex (another trauma response), know that this is a predisposition for victims. You did not suddenly choose to be that way. Are we responsible for our actions? Absolutely. But if you felt these urges (or lack thereof), perhaps for the first time, don’t be ashamed. Shame does not have a rightful place in healing.

True intimacy makes way for physical connection because it’s already established trust, respect, and the ability to be vulnerable with one another. When we’ve arrived at a healthy mindset, we will accept nothing less.