Starting Over: Adults with Childhood Sexual Trauma

Those who've endured sexual trauma in childhood are accustomed to living with it in some way or another. The awareness of its effects can be significantly diminished in adolescence and early adulthood. Societal pressure to grow up and overcome our issues is met with the desire to fit in. As in the passage of time, so does our desire to fit in leave us, replaced with the desire to find our individuality. A "what does it all mean" phase closely follows. Self-help literature is purchased primarily by middle-aged women, but the men's numbers are ever-growing.

Adult survivors of child sexual trauma are deconstructing our pasts more than ever before. Though we have many resources, our work is cut out for us.

When I was six years old, two young men, teenagers, chose to change my life forever. I was left in the care of one of them, what my parents thought was a trusted neighbor, for an afternoon. I can recall the event's details, but my regard for its severity and effects changed as my beliefs on handling them changed. At times I truly believed it had no effect. I'm now well aware as I look back on my adult choices, especially the way I sexualized and disrespected myself in early adulthood, resulting in mountains of shame and regret. Thankfully, I had a wonderful therapist who helped me to process those experiences.

Because of what happened to us, we can present in the following ways:

-The inability to regulate one's emotions effectively.

-Large portions of memory lost

-Self-Punishing Behavior - "I must be inherently good because I punish myself"

-The splitting of one's self into a good part and a bad part. Sometimes unconsciously.

-Checking out during sex. Disassociating from the partner in order not to associate them with the past abuser.

Untreated, these symptoms can cause the subject to spiral into depressive states and unhealthy coping mechanisms (drugs, alcohol, physical self-harm). No one truly wants to hurt themselves or their loved ones in this way. Knowing your healing capacity at a given time is paramount. You'll need to be willing to let go of who you thought you were and welcome the self that deserves good things in your life.

It wasn't until life had me on my knees that I chose to throw my own conclusions out the window and draw them instead from the psychological community. This was, at times, an excruciating process. In therapy, my fears of inadequacy were brought to the surface. In 2011, distraught, sobbing, and wishing for relief, I sought counsel from a long-time friend who told me something everyone who has experienced sexual trauma should hear.

"That should have never happened to you. It was never your fault. No one deserves that. You are precious and you are loved."

I promise that the other side brings the kind of peace I never thought possible till I was willing to take a hard look at all of it. It's reminiscent of the Neverending Story where Atreyu gets to the mirror gate and sees his true self. Come through! You have only your pain to leave behind and you won't be alone. Seek out others like you who are using healthy coping skills and learn from them. I've been inspired by so many people who have done this and their zeal for life is encouraging. May you also have that too.