Spotting Reverse Blame Manipulation

One of my favorite games of all time is UNO. The basic rules of getting rid of your cards are used frequently in card games but UNO adds in skip, wild, and (my favorite) reverse cards. Just as someone thinks they are about to play their anticipated card choice, the player before them plays a reverse card and they have to rethink their entire strategy. Frustratingly fun. Abusers use similar tactics in relationships. When they feel threatened they reverse the attention; effectively pulling the victim off balance.

Reversing the Blame

Have you ever been accused of cheating on a partner when you weren't? And on top of that, they didn't have any reason to believe it? Why the accusations then?

Often the abuser will accuse the victim of doing something they would do or are doing without their partner's knowledge. This is a form of projection. They believe their values are shared by those around them, whether they admit it or not.

Even if their accusation is loose or unfounded their lack of accountability will not allow them to be concerned with the damage their behavior causes. The blame is placed squarely back on the victim.

The abuser may also conclude an issue or set of issues of the victims is the cause of any strife in the relationship. This insistence on the part of the abuser places the heat on their partner and away from them.

They also get the added benefit of making it seem as if they want the relationship to improve if only their partner would fix themselves. It's insidious because a well-meaning partner wants to do what they can to make it work. The poor victim is left believing that they just need to get their act together.

I went through this agonizing cycle of "fixing" myself over and over only to hear there was something else wrong with me. My abuser knew that I regarded marriage as a lifelong commitment when we tied the knot. He used that knowledge to convince me we could make it through anything as long as "we" kept working on it. He only needed to keep pointing out my shortcomings.

Abusers believe that this is just the way of the world. These people are used to pretending. They've been doing it for a long time. Likely, since childhood. When they make up reality as if they know what you are thinking, they're trying to control you. When you attempt to defend yourself you believe you are arguing, but what you're actually doing is defending your reality.

The oppression of this behavior is extremely difficult to cope with. Over time the victim will question their understanding, unable to discern when their reality is valid or not. In the beginning of the relationship, the dynamic between them was different. They got along well, talked over problems, shared thoughts and concerns, and came to agreements easily. Then something happened to change the game. The abuser decided that it was time to assert their dominance. They believe it is their right.

Gut Check: Taking off the blindfold

The victim will have adjusted over time to stop listening to their intuition when they feel something is off. They're unable to see the reality that the problem is the abuse. Not the things that the abuser insists on. Any issue the victim has only serves to exacerbate their reaction to the abuse.

It's common for a victim to realize the situation they're in while in therapy to heal the relationship. Once the victim is able to see the dynamics clearly, often after they've distanced themself from the abuser, the extent of the abuse becomes apparent. Its as if a switch has been flipped. The victim's willingness to believe that no one should live that way is the catalyst.