The Martyr in Our Midst

*Words below in bold are summarized at the end of this entry*

If you were to ask most people what it means to be a martyr you would probably hear the answer in a religious context but when we are talking about psychology it’s referring to someone who puts themself last...seemingly. Someone with a martyr complex chooses victimhood. In psychology, a person with a martyr complex, sometimes associated with the term "victim complex", desires the feeling of being a martyr selfishly and seeks out suffering or persecution because it either feeds a physical need or a desire to avoid responsibility.

The person who adopts the role of the martyr does so for many reasons they may be unaware of. Sometimes, it is willful suffering in the name of love or duty. If a parent was a self-imposed victim who gave up all their hopes and dreams to take care of us it is likely we would grow to see this as a virtue. I have seen abusers use this belief to try to shame a partner into giving up a perfectly reasonable desire to have a better career.

Self-esteem and the development of our core beliefs is also a major contributor to developing a martyr complex. The worse we feel about ourselves, the more we tend to try covering this up by making believe that we are “kind, loving, compassionate, and caring.” The martyr role is essentially a dysfunctional coping mechanism that requires serious Shadow Work. Being a self-imposed martyr also removes the need for us to take responsibility for our lives by scapegoating other people as the cause of our failures and disappointments; a tactic used often by abusers to distract from their own shortcomings.

A martyr may use religion or religious doctrine to set expectations within their scope of power. I want to make it perfectly clear, however, that the Gospel does not support these beliefs and they have no place in the body of Christ. I plan on making an entry on this soon.

It's important that we understand, whether we are struggling with our own victimization or are experiencing it from someone else, that the root of this is often a deep seeded self-esteem issue. I thought that I had very good self-esteem until I realized that someone would not have allowed themselves to endure what I did with healthy levels of self-esteem. As you may have already noticed if you have read my previous entries, I frequently advocate for personal accountability. I have found, through trials of my own, that the more accountable I am for the role that I play in my relationships the more manageable life has become and the less I am apt to have negative feelings for those around me.

Take an honest inventory of yourself and your relationships. Do you or does someone close to you:

-Feel undeserving of love

-Seek to reassure themselves of their innocence and greatness

-Have a negative body image

-Blame the selfishness and inhumanity of other people for their repression and oppression

-Stay in an abusive relationship (even despite failing health or well-being)

-Have a cynical, paranoid or even suspicious perception of other people’s intentions

-Refuse to accept responsibility for choices that have directly caused pain or suffering

-Have a hard time saying “no” and setting Personal Boundaries

-Assume that other people can read their mind

-Actively seek appreciation, recognition, and attention for their efforts by creating drama

If you're close with a martyr, you’ll find that they are constantly finding ways to prove that they are good, while at the same time inviting situations that make them feel “bad”; for example, staying in abusive relationships, allowing themselves to be used, stirring up unnecessary arguments, creating drama.

I say that to say this. if you are reading this and you suffer from a symptom or two of the above but want to grow and be better to yourself and others, you're not as much of the problem as you think you are. Especially if you are living in an abusive situation.

Understanding why a person in your life has a martyr complex is the best way of forgiving them, loving them, and living with them. This doesn’t mean that you need to approve of what they do or allow yourself to be manipulated, but it does mean that you can experience more freedom and happiness, not letting pent-up emotions ruin your mental and emotional health.

*Shadow Work - Working with your unconscious mind to uncover the parts of yourself that you repress and hide from yourself. This can include trauma or parts of your personality that you subconsciously consider undesirable.

*Personal Boundries - It is the practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated. The term "boundary" is a metaphor with in-bounds meaning acceptable and out-of-bounds meaning unacceptable. Without values and boundaries, our identities become diffused and often controlled by the definitions offered by others.