Trauma Drive and Finding Authentic Self

This entry was the most challenging thus far. I've had to face some realizations I wasn't quite ready for.

When I was thirty-three I was in the best shape of my life, physically. I woke up early and trained for whatever goal I was working toward at the time. Usually a road race, like a half marathon. An average run was 5 miles a day. I rarely skipped a workout.

I loved my work. A great deal of my mental energy went to my job. I worked as a guard at a youth detention center. Nothing made my day like being with those kids, helping them make goals for themselves, talking with them when they were upset, and laughing at their immature yet adorable jokes.

I took great pride in my ability to parent my child. I was attentive but not helicopter, affectionate but insisted on us having time for our own spaces, and easy to talk to but quick to hand out discipline when things went sideways.

I may not have been wealthy but I excelled at everything I thought mattered. Looking at my Facebook page it was obvious. I loved the way I appeared.

So why, when I was free of my abuser why didn't I become a more efficient version of the above? Shouldn't I have retained those previous qualities and become even better? I've realized that I'm not that much of a badass. I had been in trauma drive and my ego was at the wheel.

Trauma drive is exactly what it sounds like. Experiences of prolonged stress, like the sort resulting from CPTSD, remove our ability to regulate our fight or flight response. We have the urge to stay busy to cope. By busying ourselves with so many things we can distract ourselves from the realization of the things we so badly need to deal with but aren't at all ready for.

I lived at the gym, loved to go on mom-son dates, and was thrilled to go to battle assembly. These things all got me out of the house, away from my abuser. My personality type gravitated toward social things but it might look altogether different for someone else. Trauma drive might look like shopping, cooking, cleaning, sports involvement, or working after hours. Someone in the throughs of it might often get compliments on how productive they are. I've had some people openly admit that they were envious of how "extra" my lifestyle was.

Once we're out of trauma drive and in a place where we feel safe, it's common to have a period of not wanting to deal with anything. The next entry will be on exactly that. Just know that if the above looks familiar and you are now finding yourself in a safe space, finally, what seems like a lack of motivation to you is simply the natural process of learning how to motivate one's self from an authentic place. It doesn't come easy, especially if we're still getting to know our true selves during healing. Permit yourself to be where you are in the process and know that when it is time to move you will know and be ready.