Unveiling the Misconceptions Behind Marriage: How Our Perceptions Impact Relationships

When people first start dating, they tend to hide, minimize, or dismiss their differences since falling in love represents the myth of happy harmony. An illusion that our greatest desires for empathy, understanding, approval, and support will be realized. And your idealized companion will see things the same way, committing to you and your unique reality!

Please throw this in the garbage with all the other worn-out beliefs that have no basis. We have romanticized relationships to this point.

We want this to be true because we want our spouse to be "the one," which leads us to overlook significant discrepancies between us. We must acknowledge the physical because we are clearly physically different yet struggle with the psychological. The rude awakening occurs when we realize that not only do we see things differently, but we may never have realized who they truly were in the first place.

Hopefully, we were not full-on riding the cognitive dissonance wave into the relationship and recognized that we, at least at some small level, wanted to appreciate, respect, and even embrace the other’s reality as being just as legitimate, justified, and sincerely held as your own. For that to work you mustn’t pass judgment on them when they express a perspective that clearly diverges from yours.

Your partner's reality (and yours!) must be able to accommodate these traits…

The ability to

Bring one’s thoughts and hear the others

Express one's enthusiasm and delight in the other’s

Reveal one’s self and reflect the other

Value one's self and esteem the other

Enjoy one’s creations and value the other’s

Pursue one's growth and nurture the others

Cherish one’s solitude and honor the other’s

Follow one’s interests and encourage the other’s

Act at one’s pace and accept the other’s

Indulge one’s self and give to the other

Protect one’s self and comfort the other

Be one’s self and let the other be

Love one’s self and love the other

Why is it important to understand this in the context of toxic relationships?

If these characteristics are removed, the relationship will suffer from significant complications. The balance is thrown off, and one or both parties are confused about the direction of their relationship. There is disconnect, bewilderment, and disorientation. Most of the time, the messaging in your interactions is unclear. There is a sense of being plagued by the other just because they are around. One or both persons may believe they were mistaken about the state of the relationship.

Unfulfilled expectations or broken promises cause a complete shock to the system in toxic relationships. Because of inadequate communication, assumptions will be made to fill in lacking information or understanding. Ill will prevails over goodwill and there is a widespread belief that something is wrong, but no one can find a remedy. The suspicion of misconduct persists, with no apparent explanation for it.

To successfully transcend this problem in relationships both partners have to be willing to acknowledge and support their dual realities. Seriously, both of you. This also means that any triangles happening with third parties being involved must be identified and boundaries strictly enforced so that the two of you can keep the focus where it belongs.

You may be thinking, “My partner will never do that”, and if so, you have two choices; adjust your expectations until you are fed up (statistically a person leaves SEVEN times before they are truly done), or plan your exit strategy now. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a huge advocate for divorce, though experienced (lol). But one-sidedly trying to save one taught me lessons.

If you believe that there is hope for you both to do the work involved with creating a shared reality, bring that list of traits to a trauma-informed therapist and consult with them on facilitating that in couples therapy.

My heart swells with joy for you if your marriage represents most of those qualities. Not by chance, but by encouraging those traits and by having the wisdom to avoid people who lack them. Circumstances like that don't magically appear.