When Healing Looks Like Depression

Last week I discussed what trauma drive was and how it affects our ability to be productive while enduring abuse.

Once away from the abuser, and given the time to regain a healthy fight or flight response (a year to multiple years based on the extent of the trauma and progress with trauma therapy), the victim will begin to experience the ability to deal with their complicated emotions related to the trauma in a safe environment. They'll likely also realize that they have to rediscover who they are. What often coincides with this is what we call the restful healing stage of trauma recovery.

During the restful healing stage, victims experience a general lack of enthusiasm and motivation to do things they once gave priority. Things that, during trauma drive, seemed effortless. This can easily be misdiagnosed as depression. It is the mind attempting to allow the victim to recuperate for the necessary time; only prioritizing the most important things in life. To the victim, even those things may seem a chore. This is normal. If we can recognize that we are in this stage we're less likely to feel as if we need to "stop being lazy" and go with it.

Last entry I discussed what my trauma drive looked like in 2014. Fast forward to 2022. After 3 years of moving on from the abuse and working on my healing, I had a hard time getting motivated. So much of who I thought I was didn't exist. So much of what my pride was based on was the facade I'd created for myself. The more of my ego that I lost the less I cared to do any of those things. They just started falling away. And I wondered: Does anyone do anything for themselves without it being about ego? It was an odd and unfamiliar place to be.

The only authentic virtues I saw were putting my relationship with the Lord first and being the best wife and mother I could be. All else seemed like a chore. I was legitimately frustrated because I'd been able to focus effortlessly on my health and career goals for a decade and now found that my appearance and status didn't matter to me anymore. Not in a superficial way, as before. I began to see it as a necessary change. I desired freedom from my previous thinking anyway, I'd just never realized how it ruled my life until now.

Know that if you are struggling with motivation while in recovery, this too, shall pass. You may find yourself questioning your relationships, values, and beliefs. No need to be hasty with change. Recovery is not a sprint. It's a whole dang journey.