Why We Suck At Setting Boundaries and What To Do About It

I have lots of lists in this entry. Good ones though! Let's get going...

Boundaries are Limits

Have you ever found yourself going along with something you didn't want to do to please others? A parent who wants you to be around a verbally abusive family member, a boss who wants you at work twenty minutes early before clocking in, or someone you dated who expected a good morning text every day or they got upset. Boundaries are the answer to keeping others from overstepping our needs.

Why do we have such a hard time saying 'No' when needed?

Responding to improper behavior by making others aware that we know what they're doing is wrong, is a necessary course of action. We don't do it enough because we often know what comes next. Fear, frustration, or anxiety.

Abuse is the result of a need to control and manipulate. When you let them know you won't tolerate it, the pot gets stirred, and the conflict we so badly want to avoid heats up.

You may have problems with boundaries if you:

- Share personal information too soon

- Allow others to interfere with your personal life

- Feel responsible for how others feel

- Your identity consists of how you think others want you to be

- Go against your values to please others

- Give unsolicited criticism or advice

Poor boundaries show themselves in the loss of our own identity or surrounding ourselves with the wrong people, giving them too much access to our personal lives. Often without us realizing it. This is why learning to value one's own emotions, behaviors, and attitudes is vital to wanting to set boundaries in the first place.

You can't please everyone...and you shouldn't want to

The people you're setting boundaries with may never understand why your doing it. What matters is that you understand your reasons. Here's what boundaries protect:

- Your opinions about yourself and others

- Your behavior toward others

- Your need to have your life reflect what you most deeply care about

- Your emotional needs being met and not controlled by the feelings of others

"Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do." – Rachel Wolchin, Author

My Boundary Struggle

For the majority of my young life, I was unable to understand why I was treated so poorly by others. Why I was bullied, used as a scapegoat, stalked...etc. You name it. I was taught to love all people, especially those who were hurting. What wasn't impressed upon me was how to protect my peace. My father was better at it than my mother but he was the busier of the two. My mother was Ms. volunteer of the year everywhere we went (we moved a lot as a military family) and a chronic over-sharer. I now understand that she just wanted others to feel less alone than she felt. She didn't want others to go through her pain.

I think we all feel like that a little bit. If we weren't empathic we wouldn't be reading this. But that life leads to burnout. It happened to her and then to me. Only once I began to study human behavior, after my own abuse, did I put this all together. I wish so much that we taught these concepts to impressionable teens in school with the same fervor that we push math or science. We need to learn as early as possible that it's not unkind to put our well-being first. It allows us to properly care for those we chose to pour our time and love into.

What healthy boundaries look like:

- I have other things going on at that time (no further explanation).

- This isn't the right time to talk about this. I'll get back to you.

- I love you, Mom, but I won't be spending any more time with that family member. It's not up for further discussion.

- Don't go into my room without asking first.

- I'm not a hugger. A handshake will do.

- I can't give discounts to friends but I'll give you the best price I can.

- It's clear we disagree but I won't allow you to talk to me that way.

There's so many kinds of boundaries so please go do your own dive down the boundary rabbit hole.

Do the following in ANY potential boundary situation

-Recognize unease in yourself that suggests a boundary needs to be set.

-Use honesty and frankness when voicing the declaration of the boundary. Leave no room for confusion.

-Use the reality of the issue to get your point across, even if they don't understand.

-Use distance if necessary for reflection, protection, or consequence.

-Look to your truly supportive people for support for your decision, if necessary.