#WhyIStayed

When NFL linebacker Ray Rice knocked his fiancée Janay Palmer unconscious in an elevator in 2014, Things took an interesting turn when Janay Palmer spoke out in defense of her husband. She apologized at a press conference saying: “I deeply regret the role I played that night,” and later asked people to stop their judgments and accusations. “Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is,” she posted on Instagram, asking others to not take anything from the man she loves.

This provoked a new public response. Incredulous observers could not understand how Palmer could be standing by her man. The attacks now turned toward her, with commenters questioning her sanity, innocence, and motives. Why would someone stay with, let alone defend a man who had knocked her unconscious? What was wrong with Palmer that she would do this?

These accusations and questions prompted a pushback. Victims and women’s advocates spoke out in defense of Palmer and described the complicated dilemmas women in violent relationships face. Beverly Gooden, a human resources manager in North Carolina, started a hashtag on Twitter, #WhyIstayed, where she shared her reasons for remaining in a violent marriage. “I tried to leave the house once after an abusive episode, and he blocked me,” Gooden said, later adding: “I thought that love would conquer all.” Her hashtag became a rallying point, with hundreds of victims posting their stories of the factors that kept them in abusive relationships.

This entry is about mine.

I was in a situation where I had expectations for my life that I didn’t realize existed. I had them hidden from myself. Under things, I fervently believed. The more stubborn a woman is the harder she fights to make her narrative work. I had to change tactics many times.

My hidden expectation was that I didn’t deserve to be in a mutually loving relationship. Even now, after years of shadow work, the thought still brings me to tears. It’s a strong response because I disassociated myself from that for ages and seeing how we feel about ourselves can be shocking and painful.

I hid it from myself under:

Loyalty: I thought I would be the strong one who would never leave him and show him devotion. I would support him and teach him what love is supposed to look like. Also, I was not the first in his supply chain to believe this and I wouldn’t be the last.

His other condition: Often abusers have comorbidities (multiple issues) that are possibly treatable and have nothing to do with why they abuse. His PTSD and Injuries from the military made his life all the more difficult. I often felt sorry for him and believed that abandoning a disabled veteran was a horrible thing to do.

Family Values and Religious Beliefs: I took my marriage vows very seriously and refused to consider divorce outside of infidelity. I also believed that God still had me there for a purpose.

My stubborn refusal to “give up”: I had myself convinced that I could handle anything and that I was doing the right thing. I’m no victim! I choose this life! It sure didn’t help that people wanted our marriage to fail for malicious reasons and I knew it. The knowledge fueled my resolve. I would post how blissfully happy we were on social media just for them.

-Ride or die

-He’s just a broken man trying to heal

-We need each other

But God. My breaking point was not an abusive event. Nothing happened to me to suddenly wake me up. I began to start thinking about how my children would turn out. How my son would treat his family. What my daughter would look for in a partner. I started to think, would I want my child in the same situation as we’re in when they're grown?

Oh HELL NO. So why is it ok for me? Don’t we all deserve to be in loving reciprocal relationships as spouses and children? Why am I so stubbornly devoted to someone who doesn’t make me feel safe or wanted half the time?

I asked myself these things repeatedly over the last year or so before I left and the right conditions made it possible for me to feel safe enough to start planning my exit.

I get it. I completely understand why people stay in these situations. Everyone’s situation is different and we are all at different places in our understanding of what we want and need. It’s my hope that if someone is there that they don’t accept that this is as good as it gets for them. Everyone deserves to feel safe and loved. Everyone. I hope you all come to believe that.

A good friend told me once “You don’t have to save the world, Deborah. It’s not your job, its God’s.”

2 Corinthians 12: 8-10

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.